Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
Monday, 10 March 2014
I do!
Me:
In boring job seeks whiny shrew for co-dependency, tepid sex, and shouting matches. I enjoy drinking, petty theft, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I like to run with scissors. I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereo-types. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their employment, and social skills.
Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Jeremy Kyle. In my free time I have written a thesaurus that included an emphasis on the most useful curses. I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
YOU:
You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*ty bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in an ashtray blow to the head - yours or mine, it doesn't really matter.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age unimportant, but I often condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 53. Serious replies only, please.
Oh yes and someone told me that online dating sites are littered with strange people, so I figured I should filter out the weirdos by asking some serious questions. Please answer carefully:
1) Have you at any point in your life been a fan of Nickelback?
2) Have you watched more than one episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'?
---------------------
It's not original. A quick search reveals at least half a dozen identical profiles. But whoever wrote it first was spot on. I think we're a match made in heaven! When do you want to book the wedding? I do!
In boring job seeks whiny shrew for co-dependency, tepid sex, and shouting matches. I enjoy drinking, petty theft, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I like to run with scissors. I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereo-types. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their employment, and social skills.
Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Jeremy Kyle. In my free time I have written a thesaurus that included an emphasis on the most useful curses. I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
YOU:
You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*ty bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in an ashtray blow to the head - yours or mine, it doesn't really matter.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age unimportant, but I often condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 53. Serious replies only, please.
Oh yes and someone told me that online dating sites are littered with strange people, so I figured I should filter out the weirdos by asking some serious questions. Please answer carefully:
1) Have you at any point in your life been a fan of Nickelback?
2) Have you watched more than one episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'?
---------------------
It's not original. A quick search reveals at least half a dozen identical profiles. But whoever wrote it first was spot on. I think we're a match made in heaven! When do you want to book the wedding? I do!
Sunday, 1 September 2013
One More Night
So, I have decided I am not going to argue with my husband for at least a week.
We had a major argument last weekend, and then we ended p having an argument over whether we were ready to talk about the argument.
It's just getting silly now. We live apart, by the way, but we're trying to work things out. So I asked him if he wanted to come round last night. He came, we talked. We went over the text conversation and worked out who said what that led to problems.
The biggest issue I have with him is that when we argue he tends to the dramatic; he says things like "Well, I suppose that's the end of our marriage then" or "Have a nice life!" and I'm getting really tired of being the one who says "No, I don't want that to be the end."
So this time I didn't say it, to see what would happen. He wasn't happy. Because I didn't tell him No, he assumed the answer was Yes. But the whole "ending of the marriage" thing had come from him in the first place. So I sat back and watched til he was about ready to self-destruct, then I invited him round for tea.
We talked and I told him in no uncertain terms, that the next time he says anything remotely on the lines of ending our marriage, then it would be the last time. If I want to end our marriage, I will tell him.
Of course if he REALLY wants to end it, then fine. But not if he's only doing it for histrionics.
We had a major argument last weekend, and then we ended p having an argument over whether we were ready to talk about the argument.
It's just getting silly now. We live apart, by the way, but we're trying to work things out. So I asked him if he wanted to come round last night. He came, we talked. We went over the text conversation and worked out who said what that led to problems.
The biggest issue I have with him is that when we argue he tends to the dramatic; he says things like "Well, I suppose that's the end of our marriage then" or "Have a nice life!" and I'm getting really tired of being the one who says "No, I don't want that to be the end."
So this time I didn't say it, to see what would happen. He wasn't happy. Because I didn't tell him No, he assumed the answer was Yes. But the whole "ending of the marriage" thing had come from him in the first place. So I sat back and watched til he was about ready to self-destruct, then I invited him round for tea.
We talked and I told him in no uncertain terms, that the next time he says anything remotely on the lines of ending our marriage, then it would be the last time. If I want to end our marriage, I will tell him.
Of course if he REALLY wants to end it, then fine. But not if he's only doing it for histrionics.
One More Night - Maroon 5
Monday, 26 August 2013
The next step
"So, what happened next?" I hear screaming desperately across t'interweb from my hordes of rabid readers.
Well, over the next few months I researched Asperger's, became more convinced I had it and tried to work out what it would mean for our marriage.
We continued to argue . My husband threatened to throw me out on a fairly regular basis, most notably on Christmas Eve. After exhausting all the strategies in my limited capabilities to try to sort out our issues, eventually I would just shut down whenever it looked like another one was looming. The more he railed at me, the more Vulcan I became. If I didn't feel anything, it couldn't hurt me. But then the less response he got, the more angry he became. I remember one time curling up in a little ball on the sofa, with my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear him. I stayed like that till he went away in disgust.
I thought about leaving on a regular basis. Looking at houses to rent on the internet soothed me.
We tried marriage counselling. I didn't like the counsellor. I remember distinctly when I told her I thought I had Asperger's she laughed at me. Then she proceeded to talk down to me, asking me if I understood what she meant when she said xyz. Of course I did - I might be autistic, but I'm not stupid.
However, I did try to apply what she told us to do. That backfired when I got told I was applying it far too literally "As you always do." Well, how else was I supposed to apply it? If she tells us to do something, we're to do that, not something else loosely derived from it.
My husband continued to deny that I might have AS. I remember him once saying to me "You could be normal if you tried, you just can't be arsed."
In May 2012 I decided I couldn't bear it any longer. There were several incidents one after another that made me realise I could no longer live with him. He went through all the phases; pretending he didn't care, moping around like a lost puppy, and eventually, the day before I was due to move out he asked me if he got help for his anger issues, would I reconsider?
He had continued going for counselling on his own after I had said I was leaving. One thing the counsellor had suggested, presumably after he had told her I was leaving, was that maybe we could continue our relationship, but in separate houses. When he suggested this, I poo-pooed it, thinking it was a ridiculous idea. But as I gave it more thought, I thought it might actually work. We could go back to the way we were when we were still dating, before we moved in together.
We had a long talk before I moved out. I stressed that if we did this, we were still together, still in a relationship, still married - with ALL that implies, including fidelity. He seemed quite surprised - I think he thought that I was moving out so I could fool around - but he agreed.
So, in June 2012 I moved out.
Well, over the next few months I researched Asperger's, became more convinced I had it and tried to work out what it would mean for our marriage.
We continued to argue . My husband threatened to throw me out on a fairly regular basis, most notably on Christmas Eve. After exhausting all the strategies in my limited capabilities to try to sort out our issues, eventually I would just shut down whenever it looked like another one was looming. The more he railed at me, the more Vulcan I became. If I didn't feel anything, it couldn't hurt me. But then the less response he got, the more angry he became. I remember one time curling up in a little ball on the sofa, with my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear him. I stayed like that till he went away in disgust.
I thought about leaving on a regular basis. Looking at houses to rent on the internet soothed me.
We tried marriage counselling. I didn't like the counsellor. I remember distinctly when I told her I thought I had Asperger's she laughed at me. Then she proceeded to talk down to me, asking me if I understood what she meant when she said xyz. Of course I did - I might be autistic, but I'm not stupid.
However, I did try to apply what she told us to do. That backfired when I got told I was applying it far too literally "As you always do." Well, how else was I supposed to apply it? If she tells us to do something, we're to do that, not something else loosely derived from it.
My husband continued to deny that I might have AS. I remember him once saying to me "You could be normal if you tried, you just can't be arsed."
In May 2012 I decided I couldn't bear it any longer. There were several incidents one after another that made me realise I could no longer live with him. He went through all the phases; pretending he didn't care, moping around like a lost puppy, and eventually, the day before I was due to move out he asked me if he got help for his anger issues, would I reconsider?
He had continued going for counselling on his own after I had said I was leaving. One thing the counsellor had suggested, presumably after he had told her I was leaving, was that maybe we could continue our relationship, but in separate houses. When he suggested this, I poo-pooed it, thinking it was a ridiculous idea. But as I gave it more thought, I thought it might actually work. We could go back to the way we were when we were still dating, before we moved in together.
We had a long talk before I moved out. I stressed that if we did this, we were still together, still in a relationship, still married - with ALL that implies, including fidelity. He seemed quite surprised - I think he thought that I was moving out so I could fool around - but he agreed.
So, in June 2012 I moved out.
Next Step - Big Time Rush
Let's start at the very beginning
In October 2011, after thirty-nine years of not feeling quite normal, I began to realise I might have Asperger's Syndrome.
Sometimes I feel normal. When I am at home in my comfort zone, with my children, I feel normal and happy.
But I hate social situations, dislike women, and I can only relate to men sexually. I used to work with a group of men, Most of them hated me for being clever and the ones that didn't, I flirted with. I don't understand people who don't say things that are not true, and not being believed frustrates me beyond all measure.
What brought me to this conclusion began this way: One night my husband and I had a massive huge argument. He had mistaken my reaction to something he had said and thought I was "being funny" with him, when in fact I wasn't. I tried to persuade him, but he refused to accept it, and his refusal to accept the truth sent me flying into a huge rage with him. I threw things at him and insulted him and screamed at him to get out and swore at him.
The second he left the room I calmed down instantly. Instantly. Because he had finally done what I wanted - left me on my own.
But I realised that this behaviour was not normal. I began looking online for some kind of anger management techniques to help me deal with my outbursts.
When I was younger I used to fly into rages. Once, when I was in my early 20s, I was working with a bunch of people who thought it was hugely funny to play practical jokes on people. This guy one time emptied a fire extinguisher all over me, while his friends dashed outside and held the door shut so I couldn't escape. When it was empty, he dropped it and laughed at me. I was so furious, I picked it up and threw it at his head with all my strength. He turned to avoid it, and it hit his back instead of his head, cracking three ribs.
Another time I almost threw a hammer at a boyfriend because he had offered to help me with something. Luckily, at the last second, something in my brain kicked in and said "YOU CANNOT THROW HAMMERS AT PEOPLE!" and I ended up throwing it at the floor instead.
The hammer incident scared me so much that I decided from that point on to seriously try to control my temper. Mostly I did. I learned breathing techniques, and took herbal remedies to stay calm.
I met my husband in November 2008 at the age of 36. We got engaged the following September, and I moved in with him in June 2010, a month before the wedding. I had never lived with anyone before, apart from my children, and it was interesting to say the least. I found it very difficult and I found myself losing my temper with him a lot.
So, in looking into anger management, I found a page which listed causes of anger outbursts. One of these was Asperger's Syndrome. I had heard of it, but all I knew about it was the character of Karla Bentham in Waterloo Road, who had frequent meltdowns. I had watched it, but not identified with her in the slightest. However, the more I read about this Asperger's Syndrome, the more I felt "This is me!" I found a link to an Aspie test, which said:
Your Aspie score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 58 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
I went downstairs and we had a very calm talk and I told him what I suspected. He said that if that was really what I thought I should go to my GP and get a proper diagnosis.
It affects us mostly when we argue - I have frequently told my husband that I don't know "the script" - The things I say are "wrong" somehow and I don't know what it is I am SUPPOSED to say so I lapse into confused silence, which annoys him even more.
It also affects my parenting. I have two girls, aged 12 and 5. I love my children deeply but my older daughter sometimes complains that I don't show her any sympathy when she is hurt or upset. It isn't that I don't feel sympathy and feel bad for her, I just don't know what to say. And that makes me feel bad because I am making her feel bad.
The thought of having AS was scary - I didn't want to have a mental illness, but it was almost a relief at the same time - that there was a reason I am the way I am - I'm not just a callous bitch with no friends.
Sometimes I feel normal. When I am at home in my comfort zone, with my children, I feel normal and happy.
But I hate social situations, dislike women, and I can only relate to men sexually. I used to work with a group of men, Most of them hated me for being clever and the ones that didn't, I flirted with. I don't understand people who don't say things that are not true, and not being believed frustrates me beyond all measure.
What brought me to this conclusion began this way: One night my husband and I had a massive huge argument. He had mistaken my reaction to something he had said and thought I was "being funny" with him, when in fact I wasn't. I tried to persuade him, but he refused to accept it, and his refusal to accept the truth sent me flying into a huge rage with him. I threw things at him and insulted him and screamed at him to get out and swore at him.
The second he left the room I calmed down instantly. Instantly. Because he had finally done what I wanted - left me on my own.
But I realised that this behaviour was not normal. I began looking online for some kind of anger management techniques to help me deal with my outbursts.
When I was younger I used to fly into rages. Once, when I was in my early 20s, I was working with a bunch of people who thought it was hugely funny to play practical jokes on people. This guy one time emptied a fire extinguisher all over me, while his friends dashed outside and held the door shut so I couldn't escape. When it was empty, he dropped it and laughed at me. I was so furious, I picked it up and threw it at his head with all my strength. He turned to avoid it, and it hit his back instead of his head, cracking three ribs.
Another time I almost threw a hammer at a boyfriend because he had offered to help me with something. Luckily, at the last second, something in my brain kicked in and said "YOU CANNOT THROW HAMMERS AT PEOPLE!" and I ended up throwing it at the floor instead.
The hammer incident scared me so much that I decided from that point on to seriously try to control my temper. Mostly I did. I learned breathing techniques, and took herbal remedies to stay calm.
I met my husband in November 2008 at the age of 36. We got engaged the following September, and I moved in with him in June 2010, a month before the wedding. I had never lived with anyone before, apart from my children, and it was interesting to say the least. I found it very difficult and I found myself losing my temper with him a lot.
So, in looking into anger management, I found a page which listed causes of anger outbursts. One of these was Asperger's Syndrome. I had heard of it, but all I knew about it was the character of Karla Bentham in Waterloo Road, who had frequent meltdowns. I had watched it, but not identified with her in the slightest. However, the more I read about this Asperger's Syndrome, the more I felt "This is me!" I found a link to an Aspie test, which said:
Your Aspie score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 58 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
I went downstairs and we had a very calm talk and I told him what I suspected. He said that if that was really what I thought I should go to my GP and get a proper diagnosis.
It affects us mostly when we argue - I have frequently told my husband that I don't know "the script" - The things I say are "wrong" somehow and I don't know what it is I am SUPPOSED to say so I lapse into confused silence, which annoys him even more.
It also affects my parenting. I have two girls, aged 12 and 5. I love my children deeply but my older daughter sometimes complains that I don't show her any sympathy when she is hurt or upset. It isn't that I don't feel sympathy and feel bad for her, I just don't know what to say. And that makes me feel bad because I am making her feel bad.
The thought of having AS was scary - I didn't want to have a mental illness, but it was almost a relief at the same time - that there was a reason I am the way I am - I'm not just a callous bitch with no friends.
Let's Start At the Very Beginning (Do Re Mi) - Julie Andrews
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