Typical NT-AS confusing conversation

Does this seem familiar to AS peeps?

Conversation started today
Aspie-girl's niece
10:05am

 

Aspie-girl's niece
Thoughts? X

Aspie-girl
12:32pm
I'm not sure why you've sent me this...?

Aspie-girl's niece
6:11pm
No idea why whatsoever? I was asking your thoughts regarding this popular photo posted by B's peer?

(B is my 12 year old daughter - the girl in the picture is 16)

Aspie-girl
6:11pm
I have no thoughts.

Aspie-girl's niece
6:15pm
I cannot tell if you are being deliberately obtuse?

Aspie-girl
6:22pm
I don't know what you want me to say.
Okay - these are my thoughts. 1) this girl is several years older than B. 2) I think the picture is very pretty and quite artistic 3) I was struggling to figure out what you were objecting to, but I assume it is the fact that she is showing her bare shoulders and the tiniest amount of cleavage, and my thought there is that you yourself have shown far more revealing pictures, and so have I 4) she is not my daughter, nor is she yours, so i don't see what business it is of either of us.
And I didn't have any of those thoughts until you drew my attention to it.

Aspie-girl
6:23pm
And remember, I have AS so not so good with the non-verbal communication here. If you were getting at something else please tell me.

Aspie-girl's niece
6:42pm
Wotevs. U have just demonstrated that you knew what I was alluding to. Would have been probably easier and friendlier just to say that u weren't concerned...?

Aspie-girl
6:43pm
I thought I did.

Aspie-girl's niece
6:43pm
No.

Aspie-girl
6:43pm
But it didn't occur to me till you pointed out, and I had to think hard as to what your possible objection might have been. And I still wasnt sure I was right.
Might have been easier if you'd just said it.
So, are you actually expecting me to do anything about your concerns?

Aspie-girl's niece
6:46pm
No.

Aspie-girl
6:46pm
okay then. So why bring it up?
Remember I can't read your mind, especially over message. This tends to be the point in conversation where people start to get annoyed with me, leaving me sat here totally confused.
And they don't tend to explain themselves, so I am left none the wiser.
AS - remember.
(Later) And yet one more who doesn't explain.

Aspie-girl's niece
6:56pm
You have asked me why I brought it up and yet my intentions were clear from the outset. I simply asked you your thoughts. You provided them.

Aspie-girl
6:58pm
Honestly your intentions were not clear - you may have thought they were, but they weren't. I still don't know why you brought it up, if you didn't expect me to do anything about it.

Aspie-girl's niece
7:03pm
I just told you. I brought it up because I wanted to know what you thought. That is all. There is nothing more to be read into it. Do AS ppl often overanalyse others intentions? I was concerned. I wanted to know if you were concerned. It is the same as asking someone if they enjoy music or the taste of cake?

Aspie-girl
7:08pm
Ok - this is the convo from my POV. You sent me a random pic and asked me my thoughts. I told you I had no thoughts, which was perfectly true. You accused me of being deliberately obtuse, which often happens so I figured I was missing something. I tried to think of some thoughts for you. You did not seem happy with my thoughts. I have since spent the rest of the convo trying to figure out your original intentions, and why you are not happy.
To answer your question, I think AS people often struggle to understand what people's intentions actually ARE, especially as NT people (non-autistics) don't tend to be overt with their intentions, as they assume they are obvious, which they probably are to other NT people.
You didn't actually ask me if I was concerned, you asked me what my thoughts were, and I didn't have any. If you had said "Are you concerned about this picture," I would have answered "No." which would have sparked off a whole different conversation.

Aspie-girl's niece
7:18pm
I was not being vague when I asked for your thoughts. And I am sure that whether you have as or not you are intelligent enough to reason that I meant your considered thoughts. I am unclear why you are asking me to explain my frustrations as I don't know if you are willing or indeed able take this knowledge into account in future social encounters. Regardless I hav laid out my reasoning as best as I as an NT am able.

Aspie-girl
7:26pm
So, basically, you were concerned by the minimal amount of skin this girl was showing, but you didn't want me to do anything about it, and you wanted to know if I was concerned also, but even if I had been concerned, you didn't expect me to do anything about it. Is that about right? Because that's all I've got from this conversation. Seems pretty pointless.
Honestly, I don't mean to offend, but I'm going to put this encounter into the big mental pile that's labelled "I don't get it."
FTR, the last conversation I had with your mother is in there also.
See, this is where having AS is a massive disadvantage. For the most part, we can appear normal, but now and again we just really don't get it. And people don't understand that we don't get it because, for the most part, we appear normal. So the assumption is that we MUST get it and we are somehow pretending not to get it. And then when you ask people to explain, they just go "Whatevs" and don't bother, because they assume that you actually do get it and are just pretending not to.
This is a problem that DH and I had a lot before I got diagnosed but thankfully he is finally understanding that if I say I don't get it, I REALLY don't get it and he has to be patient with me and explain.

Aspie-girl's Dad
7:26pm
In a nutshell and I think that K would agree with this, we were simply concerned that one of B's FB 'friends' was apparently posting a pic which was bordering on child  'soft porn'.

Aspie-girl
7:27pm
But, to what end?
And I don't see it myself. I think it is pretty.

Aspie-girl's Dad
7:30pm
Well even some of this young lady's friends thought it was a bit OTT.

Aspie-girl
7:30pm
Well I wouldn't know.

Aspie-girl's niece
7:30pm
If ud have given it ur considered thoughts once I'd asked u too and u felt the same as me I would have felt that I had done what I felt was proper and you could have acted in whatever way you saw fit. Had u thought the photo was immoral would you still be acting so nonplussed as to why I had asked you what you thought of it????

Aspie-girl
7:31pm
K - there is nothing i could have done. She is not my daughter.

Aspie-girl's niece
7:40pm
You could of course  have ascertained if B had been influenced by it by discussing it with her. If you had seen my son walking dangerously near a cliff face you'd have done the same to me. You are clever enough to realise all this.
I was just concerned about B.
I was just concerned about B.
I was just concerned about B.
Do u really still not get it???

Aspie-girl
7:43pm
No I don't. Why would this picture adversely affect B?
And she's only just come home so I haven't been able to discuss it with her, if I thought there was anything to discuss.

Aspie-girl's niece
7:50pm
Omg because it is very popular.  She wants to be popular. I respect the fact that u know her well enough to decide whether she'd copy it. I was just asking you to consider it. This is not rocket science. I am not asking you to read my mind. I was trying to be nice. Even though u say that u don't understand I've heard u say that u like to wind ppl up on the internet etc. Do this to strangers if u like, not to ppl who have good intentions.

Aspie-girl
7:53pm
Okay - you did not actually tell me you were concerned about B - you just aksed me what my thoughts were on some random picture of one of B's friends.

Aspie-girl
7:55pm
This is the first you've said about your concerns that B might try to copy her - that thought did not even cross my mind. You asked me a simple question - what my thoughts were. I answered it. Clearly your thoughts were very different, but you did not share those thoughts with me.

Aspie-girl
7:58pm
Do me a favour - read back over the conversation and look at the words you used. The actual words - because those are the only things I get. I am not privy to the thoughts behind the words. I only know what you tell me, so LOOK at what you tell me, not what you think you've told me. I'm not being deliberately obtuse.

Aspie-girl's niece
8:05pm
No you are correct. I expected a level of common sense. I expected you to use your knowledge of children to know that they copy each other. In the future it may be wiser not to waste ppls time asking why they have stopped speaking to you because its prob just that by societal norms you are being really rude to them in the words that YOU used. That is all. I said what I felt I should to help my cousin.
I don't want to continue discussing.

Aspie-girl
8:09pm
She's not a child. At her age you were with Phil and I presume doing far more than posting arty shots on fb. Your profile pic shows far more flesh than hers does . I was not rude and I did not ask anyone why they had stopped speaking to me as I was not aware anyone had stopped speaking to me. And yet again, one more person doesn't get that the problem is not with me.

Aspie-girl's niece
8:26pm
The problem is only not with you if you don't mind dismissing ppls good intentions. That is a rude thing to do even if the literal words that you say are not. My intentions throughout were just to be a good cousin. I feel sorry that u can't appreciate that in ppl.

Aspie-girl
8:33pm
You assume that I knew what your intentions were. Honestly, I was just confused as to why you were messaging me at all, and what you wanted me to do. I wasn't dismissing you - I just didn't understand  what you meant by any of this. Getting irritated with me, or insulting my intelligence does no good. It's like getting irritated with a blind person, or implying they are stupid because they cannot see what you can see.  Now I realise you are not accustomed to dealing with someone with AS, but trust me when I say this conversation is very very familiar. Not the content, but the attitude of the NT, and the irritation, and the accusations of being deliberately obtuse, and the exasperation, and the assumption that I know exactly what you are talking about. Welcome to my world. THIS is why it is a disability.

Aspie-girl's niece
8:35pm
Nope. I'm saddened that even after I've just told u I was just trying to be nice you've not just said thanks.

Aspie-girl's Dad
8:35pm
Can we perhaps put all this down to a misunderstanding and be friends again?XX

Let's start at the very beginning

In October 2011, after thirty-nine years of not feeling quite normal, I began to realise I might have Asperger's Syndrome.

Sometimes I feel normal. When I am at home in my comfort zone, with my children, I feel normal and happy.

But I hate social situations, dislike women, and I can only relate to men sexually. I used to work with a group of men, Most of them hated me for being clever and the ones that didn't, I flirted with. I don't understand people who don't say things that are not true, and not being believed frustrates me beyond all measure.

What brought me to this conclusion began this way: One night my husband and I had a massive huge argument. He had mistaken my reaction to something he had said and thought I was "being funny" with him, when in fact I wasn't. I tried to persuade him, but he refused to accept it, and his refusal to accept the truth sent me flying into a huge rage with him. I threw things at him and insulted him and screamed at him to get out and swore at him.

The second he left the room I calmed down instantly. Instantly. Because he had finally done what I wanted - left me on my own.

But I realised that this behaviour was not normal. I began looking online for some kind of anger management techniques to help me deal with my outbursts.

When I was younger I used to fly into rages. Once, when I was in my early 20s, I was working with a bunch of people who thought it was hugely funny to play practical jokes on people. This guy one time emptied a fire extinguisher all over me, while his friends dashed outside and held the door shut so I couldn't escape. When it was empty, he dropped it and laughed at me. I was so furious, I picked it up and threw it at his head with all my strength. He turned to avoid it, and it hit his back instead of his head, cracking three ribs.

Another time I almost threw a hammer at a boyfriend because he had offered to help me with something. Luckily, at the last second, something in my brain kicked in and said "YOU CANNOT THROW HAMMERS AT PEOPLE!" and I ended up throwing it at the floor instead.

The hammer incident scared me so much that I decided from that point on to seriously try to control my temper. Mostly I did. I learned breathing techniques, and took herbal remedies to stay calm.

I met my husband in November 2008 at the age of 36. We got engaged the following September, and I moved in with him in June 2010, a month before the wedding. I had never lived with anyone before, apart from my children, and it was interesting to say the least. I found it very difficult and I found myself losing my temper with him a lot.

So, in looking into anger management, I found a page which listed causes of anger outbursts. One of these was Asperger's Syndrome. I had heard of it, but all I knew about it was the character of Karla Bentham in Waterloo Road, who had frequent meltdowns. I had watched it, but not identified with her in the slightest. However, the more I read about this Asperger's Syndrome, the more I felt "This is me!" I found a link to an Aspie test, which said:

Your Aspie score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 58 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I went downstairs and we had a very calm talk and I told him what I suspected. He said that if that was really what I thought I should go to my GP and get a proper diagnosis.

It affects us mostly when we argue - I have frequently told my husband that I don't know "the script" - The things I say are "wrong" somehow and I don't know what it is I am SUPPOSED to say so I lapse into confused silence, which annoys him even more.

It also affects my parenting. I have two girls, aged 12 and 5. I love my children deeply but my older daughter sometimes complains that I don't show her any sympathy when she is hurt or upset. It isn't that I don't feel sympathy and feel bad for her, I just don't know what to say. And that makes me feel bad because I am making her feel bad.

The thought of having AS was scary - I didn't want to have a mental illness, but it was almost a relief at the same time - that there was a reason I am the way I am - I'm not just a callous bitch with no friends.

Let's Start At the Very Beginning (Do Re Mi) - Julie Andrews