Our House

We've moved about a lot in the last year or so. In June 2012 I moved out of my husband's house. The arguing was too intense and too horrible to cope with any more. We hadn't even been married two years. Undoubtedly some of that was down to my Asperger's, which we didn't know about when we married. But he has his own issues also.

I found a small house that would do as a bolt-hole for me and my girls, but it wasn't really suitable in many ways, and when the six-month initial lease ran out, I found us a much nicer house.

Unfortunately, the landlord and I did not see eye to eye on a number of issues, and five months after we moved in, he decided he had had enough of being a landlord with pesky tenants who ask for things to be fixed, such as ancient fuse boxes and non-opening downstairs windows, and put the house on the market. The first I heard of it was when as estate agent rang ME on MY mobile phone asking to arrange a viewing. I was surprised to say the least. I had already told the landlord we loved the house and assured him we were long-term tenants. Even the letting agents didn't know he had put it on the market, and they are a different branch of the same company.

Since then things have been a bit poo. I dug my heels in and refused to allow viewings. The estate agents responded by sending a couple of strange men (potential buyers) round to the house to try to arrange a viewing with me directly. I sent them away and fired off a VERY strongly worded email to the estate agents to the effect of how dare they send two strange men to my house, me, a single woman with two daughters.

The landlord responded by serving me with a Section 21 notice, giving me two months' notice. What he didn't realise, and probably still doesn't, is that the Section 21 was invalid! Ha ha! They have to be very careful with the dates and unfortunately his were out by about four days. So I didn't panic, as I knew I had plenty of time to find somewhere suitable.

I did find somewhere suitable and we were all set to move on September 20th - but the landlady pulled out! I was furious. But now I have found another house.

It is perfect, even more perfect than the other one (albeit a bit more expensive). But, looking on the agent website, it states in black no-nonsense sombre letters:

"Please note this company does not accept housing benefit applications."

Now this makes me so angry.

I have rented (except for my brief marriage) since I was twenty-two years old, so eighteen years. I have never missed a single payment. I ALWAYS, without exception, got 100% of my deposit back. I am a good tenant. I have never had any troubles with landlords - until this one.

I have Asperger's so I am not very good at getting jobs. I'm rubbish at interviews, and not good at getting on with people. So I am working as a writer and an editor for a publishing company. I can do it at home, and don't have to lay my eyes on another soul. I get paid in royalties, so I don't earn a great deal. I bump up my income with the benefits I am entitled to claim as a low-income worker - the key word there being WORKER. I do work. I work damned hard actually. But because the state allows me to top up my meagre income with Housing Benefit, I am penalised.

There are some people who do not work, who have no intention of working, and are happy to spend their entire lives living solely off benefits. I am not one of them, but I am treated as if I am, because I have to top up my income. Having to do that does not make me a bad person. If I went out to work 9-5 and left my kids in wraparound child care from 8-6, TEN hours a day, THAT would make me a bad person, in my view. Instead I have a job I can do from home, between 9 and 3, get the kids from school, work another hour between 4 and 5, and sometimes another hour later on when they are in bed.

People who make assumptions make me so angry.

Anyway, I am going to proceed as if I hadn't seen that on their website, play down the Housing Benefit and see what happens. If it is a problem, then I will explain the Asperger's situation. Who knows - maybe they will understand. Updates to come.

Our House - Madness

One More Night

So, I have decided I am not going to argue with my husband for at least a week.

We had a major argument last weekend, and then we ended p having an argument over whether we were ready to talk about the argument.

It's just getting silly now. We live apart, by the way, but we're trying to work things out. So I asked him if he wanted to come round last night. He came, we talked. We went over the text conversation and worked out who said what that led to problems.

The biggest issue I have with him is that when we argue he tends to the dramatic; he says things like "Well, I suppose that's the end of our marriage then" or "Have a nice life!" and I'm getting really tired of being the one who says "No, I don't want that to be the end."

So this time I didn't say it, to see what would happen. He wasn't happy. Because I didn't tell him No, he assumed the answer was Yes. But the whole "ending of the marriage" thing had come from him in the first place. So I sat back and watched til he was about ready to self-destruct, then I invited him round for tea.

We talked and I told him in no uncertain terms, that the next time he says anything remotely on the lines of ending our marriage, then it would be the last time. If I want to end our marriage, I will tell him.

Of course if he REALLY wants to end it, then fine. But not if he's only doing it for histrionics.

One More Night - Maroon 5

The next step

"So, what happened next?" I hear screaming desperately across t'interweb from my hordes of rabid readers.

Well, over the next few months I researched Asperger's, became more convinced I had it and tried to work out what it would mean for our marriage.

We continued to argue . My husband threatened to throw me out on a fairly regular basis, most notably on Christmas Eve. After exhausting all the strategies in my limited capabilities to try to sort out our issues, eventually I would just shut down whenever it looked like another one was looming. The more he railed at me, the more Vulcan I became. If I didn't feel anything, it couldn't hurt me. But then the less response he got, the more angry he became. I remember one time curling up in a little ball on the sofa, with my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear him. I stayed like that till he went away in disgust.

I thought about leaving on a regular basis. Looking at houses to rent on the internet soothed me.

We tried marriage counselling. I didn't like the counsellor. I remember distinctly when I told her I thought I had Asperger's she laughed at me. Then she proceeded to talk down to me, asking me if I understood what she meant when she said xyz. Of course I did - I might be autistic, but I'm not stupid.

However, I did try to apply what she told us to do. That backfired when I got told I was applying it far too literally "As you always do." Well, how else was I supposed to apply it? If she tells us to do something, we're to do that, not something else loosely derived from it.

My husband continued to deny that I might have AS. I remember him once saying to me "You could be normal if you tried, you just can't be arsed."

In May 2012 I decided I couldn't bear it any longer. There were several incidents one after another that made me realise I could no longer live with him. He went through all the phases; pretending he didn't care, moping around like a lost puppy, and eventually, the day before I was due to move out he asked me if he got help for his anger issues, would I reconsider?

He had continued going for counselling on his own after I had said I was leaving. One thing the counsellor had suggested, presumably after he had told her I was leaving, was that maybe we could continue our relationship, but in separate houses. When he suggested this, I poo-pooed it, thinking it was a ridiculous idea. But as I gave it more thought, I thought it might actually work. We could go back to the way we were when we were still dating, before we moved in together.

We had a long talk before I moved out. I stressed that if we did this, we were still together, still in a relationship, still married - with ALL that implies, including fidelity. He seemed quite surprised - I think he thought that I was moving out so I could fool around - but he agreed.

So, in June 2012 I moved out.

Next Step - Big Time Rush