Monday, 10 March 2014

I do!

In boring job seeks whiny shrew for co-dependency, tepid sex, and shouting matches. I enjoy drinking, petty theft, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. 
I like to run with scissors. I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereo-types. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their employment, and social skills.
Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Jeremy Kyle. In my free time I have written a thesaurus that included an emphasis on the most useful curses. I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*ty bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in an ashtray blow to the head - yours or mine, it doesn't really matter.

I would be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age unimportant, but I often condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 53. Serious replies only, please.

Oh yes and someone told me that online dating sites are littered with strange people, so I figured I should filter out the weirdos by asking some serious questions. Please answer carefully:

1) Have you at any point in your life been a fan of Nickelback?
2) Have you watched more than one episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'?


It's not original. A quick search reveals at least half a dozen identical profiles. But whoever wrote it first was spot on. I think we're a match made in heaven! When do you want to book the wedding? I do!

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